I've gotten myself into a pickle

[ban908463]

I usually lurk here. I love that there are so many forums and so much stuff to read. And I like it that I seem to have 420 in common with most of you. I choked down my reluctance to post today and introduced myself because I'm in a weird place. I know none of you know me because I'm a lurker, so I apologize for just jumping in with this. My one friend with whom I've tried to talk this through totally doesn't understand, and I guess I am feeling like a nutjob for feeling this way.

Here's the deal. I'm 33 years old. My husband died in an accident three years ago. Since then, I've been celibate by choice. I am still fairly attractive, slim, and have a decent personality, so I get a fair amount of male attention. I just never liked sex. I was sexually abused when I was a teenager, and it sort of colored the way I respond to men, sex, and the whole enchilada. And when I say I don't like sex, I mean none of it. I don't like vaginal, anal, oral, bdsm, you name it. If the expectation is for me to engage with another person in that way, I'm totally not feeling the love. When my husband died, I gave myself a little present. I excused myself from ever having sex again.

Here's my problem. I met this really great guy a few months ago. I wasn't trying to meet a man. My (female) friend that I mentioned eons ago in my first paragraph gets me to do volunteer work "so I won't be in that house smoking all weekend." I enjoy spending the time with her each week and look forward to it. She doesn't know that I always smoke a bowl about ten minutes before she's due to arrive, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

Anyway, I met J one Saturday while volunteering for our local shelter. We started talking, realized we had some things in common, and started hanging out a bit. I mentioned watching "That 70s Show," and he commented that he had never seen it, so he started coming over here and watching it since I own it on DVD. Side note: One perk of being a young widow is that my house is paid off. Anyway, I thought we were just hanging out, and I was really enjoying having a new friend. That is, I was really enjoying having a new friend until he kissed me on the mouth last night. It was just a peck, so it wasn't a situation where I could really take a course of action. I went to bed last night thinking about it after he left. I am stymied in regards to this situation.

I really could enjoy having this guy as a boyfriend. He's cute, attentive, gentlemanly, and, most of all, fun to talk to. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I find him attractive. I just don't want to do the deed with him, but I know I could. I got really good over the years at just ignoring the sex and thinking about other stuff. Thing is, after the first encounter or two, they notice. Then, one of two things happens: They either try to help me enjoy sex (and grow increasingly frustrated) or they run like hell (and I don't blame them). Either way, the situation turns uncomfortable.

Now, this dude is obviously in the market for a girlfriend. I can tell him that I love his company, but I am just not in the market for a boyfriend. If I do that, I then get to watch him edge away so he can look for a girlfriend. I wouldn't blame him for doing so. You chase what you want. That's human nature. The other thing I can do is kiss back next time and see how things go. Since I kind of know how things will go, I sort of feel like this is an unfair situation to put him in because I do genuinely like him. The last thing I can do is tell him I really like him and that I'm really interested, but my past fucked me up so much that I can't enjoy sex. Unfortunately, I also know how this one goes. The man might declare himself my savior because he has the magic touch and has then grown increasingly frustrated when I didn't respond. Oh, and they usually got nastier and nastier about it as things went along. All of these options suck stale ass. I don't want to do any of them, but I know I'm going to have to do one of them.

Oh well. If you've read this far, thanks. Maybe I just needed a place to rant about it and think about it some more. I sure hope I didn't post this in the wrong forum. I started to post it in True Confessions. Oh well. It's the internet. At least I can disappear if everyone hates my guts. (ha ha)

[amravat123]

I just wanted to say thank you for being brave enough to share your story. It sounds like you're navigating a really tricky situation, and you're doing it with a lot of self-awareness. First off, there's nothing wrong with how you're feeling. Our experiences shape us in ways we can't always control, and it's completely okay to set boundaries that protect your peace of mind. It’s also refreshing to see someone thinking through a relationship so thoroughly, considering both their own needs and those of the other person.

That being said, I think you’re at a bit of a crossroads. J clearly enjoys your company, and it sounds like you enjoy his too. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that open communication can work wonders in situations like this. Maybe you don’t need to spell out every detail of your past right away, but being honest about what you’re looking for in the relationship could set a good foundation. Let him know you value his friendship and enjoy spending time with him, but you have certain reservations about romantic or physical relationships.

You might be surprised how he reacts. He could be open to a relationship that doesn’t revolve around sex, or he might need time to think about it. Either way, it’ll give you both clarity. I know it’s scary to have that conversation, but it beats living in uncertainty. And if he isn’t willing to stick around after learning more about where you’re coming from, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

Remember, you deserve a connection that respects your boundaries and helps you feel safe. It’s okay to take your time figuring this out. Whatever you decide, it’s clear you’re approaching it with a lot of thought and care, which is more than most people can say.

[hanar123]

I get where you're coming from, and I think a lot of us have been in situations where we feel stuck between wanting something and fearing the consequences. It’s clear that you’ve been through a lot, and your instincts to protect yourself are completely valid. Honestly, though, I think you already know deep down what you need to do. It’s just a matter of deciding when and how.

If I were in your shoes, I’d focus on honesty, but in stages. You don’t have to dump all your feelings and fears on him at once—especially if you’re not sure where he stands yet. Maybe start by letting him know you weren’t expecting to meet someone like him, and you’re still figuring out how you feel about the situation. You don’t owe him your life story, but setting the stage for deeper conversations can help you both ease into things.

That said, be prepared for the possibility that he may not stick around. It sucks, but it’s the reality of relationships—especially when you’re up-front about boundaries that don’t align with what the other person wants. If that happens, it’s not a reflection of your worth or your ability to connect. It just means he wasn’t the right match for your needs, and that’s okay.

Ultimately, relationships are about compromise and understanding, but they should never come at the expense of your well-being. If J can’t accept you for who you are—including your boundaries—then he’s not the right person for you. You’ve already been through so much. You don’t need to settle for anything less than a relationship that feels safe and fulfilling.

[piciossa]

First of all, kudos to you for stepping out of your comfort zone and sharing this here. That takes guts, and I hope you realize how strong you are for even considering all these options. It’s clear you’ve been through some serious challenges, but the fact that you’re still open to human connection says a lot about your resilience.

From what you’ve shared, J sounds like a genuinely great guy. It’s rare to meet someone who clicks with you on so many levels. That said, I think the key to moving forward is honesty—both with him and yourself. If you’re genuinely interested in exploring a relationship with him, you owe it to both of you to have an open conversation. You don’t have to dive into all the painful details right away, but letting him know that you have some unique challenges when it comes to intimacy could be a good starting point.

You might be surprised by how he reacts. If he’s as attentive and gentlemanly as you say, he might be more understanding than you expect. Sometimes, people are willing to work through things together if they see the potential for something meaningful. On the flip side, if he’s not open to that kind of arrangement, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

Whatever happens, remember that your needs and boundaries are valid. Don’t let fear of losing him push you into a situation that feels uncomfortable or forced. The right person will respect your journey and meet you where you are. And even if J isn’t that person, there’s someone out there who will be.

[antonio123]

It’s obvious you’re dealing with a lot, and I just want to say that it’s okay to feel conflicted. It’s clear you care about J, but you’re also protecting yourself, which is totally understandable. Your past experiences have shaped your perspective, and there’s no shame in that.

One thing that stood out to me is how you’re considering all these different outcomes and trying to prepare for them. That’s smart, but don’t let overthinking paralyze you. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is take things one step at a time. Maybe instead of trying to figure out the whole relationship right now, you could focus on just enjoying the connection you have with J. See where it naturally leads, and give yourself permission to pause if things start feeling uncomfortable.

When it comes to the physical side of things, communication is going to be key. You might not be ready to share everything about your past, and that’s okay. But being honest about your current boundaries can help set the tone for how things move forward. If J is truly interested in you as a person, he’ll respect that and work with you to figure out a dynamic that works for both of you.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. A lot of people carry scars from their past, and they still find ways to build meaningful relationships. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible. Give yourself credit for how far you’ve come, and trust that you’ll figure this out, one step at a time.

[deigo123]

I can’t help but admire your self-awareness. It’s not easy to navigate relationships, especially when you’ve been through what you have. First off, let me say this: there’s no “right” way to handle this situation. Whatever choice you make, it should be the one that feels best for you.

That said, it sounds like you’re already leaning toward having a deeper conversation with J, and I think that’s a good move. You don’t have to lay all your cards on the table right away, but giving him some insight into your mindset could help both of you figure out what’s next. Maybe start with something simple, like, “I really enjoy spending time with you, but I want to be honest about where I’m at emotionally.” That opens the door without overwhelming him—or yourself.

Of course, there’s always the risk that he might not be on the same page. But isn’t it better to know now rather than invest more time and energy into something that’s not sustainable? On the flip side, he might surprise you. Some people are more understanding than we give them credit for, especially if they see the potential for a meaningful connection.

Ultimately, the most important thing is to stay true to yourself. You’ve been through a lot, and you’ve earned the right to set boundaries that protect your peace. Whether J is part of your journey or not, you’re clearly someone who values connection and authenticity—and that’s something worth holding onto.