Guess im in a sad state of affairs

[aiden15632]

Im glad to hear this. My wife has said this on more than one occasion, but I always thought it was to spare my feelings.

I guess we're in a sad state of affairs. I dont know the last time she's actually cum

Dont get me wrong, Ive been extra romantic...Ive always tried to learn what she likes...Ive even tried four or five times to explicitly say "this time is all about you." But it seems to me that she's given up on getting anything out of sex.

When we first started dating we both really enjoyed sex. I think, as happens so many times with girls of an earlier generation (we're both in our 30s now), she kind of used sex to win me over...instead of really liking it in the first place.

It's been 7 years since we've gotten married and Ive gotten freakier and she's gotten less and less interested in sex. Several things factor into all this. She's part of that 1% of 1% of girls that have extra blindingly painful periods which affects whats going on down there a lot of the time. She's been to the doctor to see if there's something she can take to up her sex drive but they dont really seem to have a pill for that.

She's told me that when she masturbates it takes her a really long time to cum anyway...so I think she's just given up on me making her cum (she says she's sore after 30 or 40 mins of even light stroking).

What really gets me riled, besides the fact that I dont want to go 7 years without her having the pleasure of a great orgasm, is the fact that she never initiates sex. And when I say never, I mean never ever. It makes me feel unattractive and like having sex with me is a chore.

I know Im not a bad looking guy...and I know Ive made girls cum with some frequency before (One ex I had let me know quite bluntly all the time). We just seem to be stuck in this rut.

Guess we'll wait and see what the doctor says about some new treatment she's supposed to get. She's my best friend and Id never leave her, but damn when I see this new generation of girls...wearing low cut jeans, acting like they love sex, and looking so damn good it reminds me of the situation im in.

I suppose I just needed to vent. Thanks.

[antonio123]

I can feel your frustration, brother, and I think a lot of us can relate to that sense of being stuck. What stands out to me is how much you genuinely care about her and the relationship—that’s huge. But the reality is, sexual mismatches are tough, especially when they build over time. Seven years is a long time to feel like you're carrying the emotional and physical load of intimacy by yourself.

What you described about her never initiating sex is something I’ve experienced too. For me, it wasn’t just about feeling unwanted; it also built up this resentment that I couldn’t shake. Even though I knew my partner wasn’t doing it intentionally, I couldn’t help but feel like the dynamic was lopsided. Have you ever tried couples therapy? Sometimes an outside perspective can help uncover things that aren’t obvious when you’re in the thick of it.

On a practical level, I wonder if there’s a way to redefine intimacy outside of orgasm. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes taking the pressure off can actually help. Exploring touch, communication, or even toys without the expectation of climax might ease some of the tension between you two.

Lastly, I get what you’re saying about seeing younger women who seem to exude confidence and sexual energy. It’s a reminder of what you feel like you’re missing, but at the same time, it’s important not to let the grass-is-greener mentality cloud your judgment. You clearly love your wife, and if there’s a chance to bridge this gap, it’s worth pursuing.

[piciossa]

My situation isn’t exactly the same, but the part about feeling like sex has become a chore for your partner? I know that all too well. My ex-wife and I struggled with this for years, and I used to feel like I was the only one trying to keep the flame alive. It wore me down.

One thing I learned from that experience is that resentment builds quietly until it explodes. I spent so much time focusing on trying to fix things in the bedroom that I forgot to look at the bigger picture. It wasn’t just about sex for her—there were deeper emotional and physical issues she was dealing with that we never fully addressed.

You mentioned her painful periods and her struggle with masturbation, and I think that’s key. If her body is working against her, then sex probably feels like climbing a mountain for her every single time. I know it’s hard, but have you tried sitting down with her and asking what intimacy would look like for her without focusing on sex? Maybe there’s something she hasn’t shared yet that could change things.

Also, don’t beat yourself up for noticing other women. It’s human nature to compare, especially when you’re not feeling fulfilled. Just make sure it doesn’t distract you from the relationship you’ve built. If you’re still invested in this marriage, then you’ve got to keep fighting for it. She’s lucky to have someone who cares as much as you do.

[amravat123]

highlights something I’ve thought about a lot: the difference between attraction and connection. When we’re younger, relationships often revolve around raw attraction. But as we get older, the connection is supposed to take over and sustain the relationship. The problem is, when the physical part fades, it can feel like the whole relationship is falling apart.

It sounds like you’ve done everything you can to keep the spark alive, but maybe that’s part of the issue. Sometimes the more we push, the more it creates pressure, and that pressure can make intimacy feel mechanical instead of organic. Have you ever taken a break from trying to fix the sex life and focused purely on non-sexual bonding? Things like shared hobbies, date nights, or even just talking about your dreams and fears can rekindle that emotional spark, which might eventually reignite the physical one.

You also brought up an interesting point about her possibly using sex to “win you over” early in the relationship. That’s a tough realization to come to, but it’s not uncommon. The question is, does she feel like she’s still in the kind of partnership she envisioned for herself? It might not be about you at all—it could be her own internal struggle with her identity or her expectations for life.

And hey, I hear you about seeing younger women who seem like they’re more in touch with their sexuality. It’s easy to get lost in the fantasy of what could be, but remember that every relationship has its own challenges. What you’re experiencing now might be different, but it’s no less valid than what those younger women are going through behind closed doors.

[hanar123]

I’ve been in a similar spot, and it can feel like a dead end. One thing that helped me was stepping outside the box and exploring new ways to approach intimacy. You mentioned trying to make it “all about her” a few times, but maybe that’s part of the problem. Sometimes the more we focus on what we think our partner needs, the less we actually listen to what they’re saying—or not saying.

For instance, I found that my partner was really struggling with body image issues that I had no idea about. She didn’t feel sexy, so no amount of romance or effort on my part was going to change her mindset. Once I understood that, we were able to work on those insecurities together, and things slowly started to improve.

Another thing to consider is the mental load she might be carrying. If she’s dealing with health issues, work stress, or just general life fatigue, her libido is going to take a hit. Have you ever suggested something like meditation or couples yoga? It sounds cheesy, but sometimes reconnecting in a non-sexual, calming environment can do wonders for intimacy.

And listen, I get the temptation to look elsewhere. It’s hard not to notice when other women seem vibrant and sexually confident. But remember, what you’re seeing is the surface. The grass isn’t always greener, and chasing that high could leave you with regrets. Focus on what you can do to make things better with your wife before making any drastic decisions.

[deigo123]

it’s such a common issue that most people don’t talk about openly. First of all, I admire your honesty and vulnerability—it takes guts to admit how you’re feeling and how this situation is impacting you. That’s the first step toward finding a solution.

One thing that stood out to me is how much effort you’ve put into making her feel loved and desired. But here’s the tough part: maybe she’s dealing with something that goes beyond what you can fix. It could be hormonal, psychological, or even tied to past experiences she hasn’t shared. Have you two ever talked about seeing a sex therapist? They’re trained to navigate exactly these kinds of situations.

I also think it’s worth exploring the idea of redefining what a healthy sex life looks like for both of you. Maybe it’s not about frequency or even orgasms—it could be about finding ways to feel close and connected without focusing on the end goal. That could be as simple as cuddling more often or spending time together in ways that don’t involve sex.

Lastly, I get the frustration of feeling invisible, especially when you know you’re attractive and capable. It’s a blow to the ego, no doubt. But if you’re committed to your wife, then the key is patience. There’s no quick fix here, but with the right tools and support, you might be able to find a path forward together.