Sex Is Not Enjoyable Anymore

[Babatunde]

So I finally learned how to control premature ejaculation. I have been doing Kegel exercises and learning how to control arousal and breathing. Yay.
The problem is that now sex is 50% work turning my partner on, 45% boring, numb sex, and only about 5% of the sex is actually good to where I can enjoy it. The good part of the intercourse lasts about 10 seconds, including the orgasm. I feel frustrated, and the appeal of sex has completely gone for me. So basically, eliminating premature ejaculation isn’t about enjoying sex longer; it’s about not enjoying sex longer so you can last longer.

This really sucks. Am I doing it wrong? Are men destined to boring 20–45-minute sex with only about 10 seconds of pleasure?
Firstly, it’s great that you’ve worked on controlling premature ejaculation and have learned techniques like Kegel exercises and managing arousal through breathing. That’s a significant accomplishment, and it shows your dedication to improving your sexual experiences. However, it’s clear that the solution has led to unexpected challenges, making sex feel more like a chore than a source of mutual pleasure.

One potential issue could be the mental pressure you’re putting on yourself to "perform" for an extended period. While controlling premature ejaculation is beneficial, it’s important to balance this with staying mentally and emotionally present during sex. Focusing too much on lasting longer might inadvertently disconnect you from the physical and emotional intimacy of the moment.
Consider reframing your approach to sex. Instead of viewing it as a task with goals, try shifting the focus to mutual pleasure and exploration. Engage in activities that enhance connection and enjoyment for both you and your partner. This could include more foreplay, experimenting with new sensations, or simply being playful and less goal-oriented. When both partners are equally involved in the experience, it can help alleviate the pressure you feel to carry the interaction.

Additionally, it’s worth examining whether the "numbness" you’re experiencing is physical, emotional, or a combination of both. If it’s physical, it might be related to overstimulation or desensitization from certain techniques used to manage premature ejaculation. If this is the case, adjusting these techniques or consulting a healthcare professional could help. On the other hand, if it’s more emotional or psychological, it might stem from feeling disconnected or overly focused on the mechanics of sex rather than the enjoyment of intimacy.

Remember that good sex isn’t necessarily about lasting a specific amount of time. It’s about the quality of the connection and mutual satisfaction. It’s okay if the most intense pleasure comes in bursts—what’s important is finding joy in the journey, not just the destination. Talking openly with your partner about your frustrations and desires can also lead to new insights and ways to enhance your experiences together.
Finally, consider exploring sexual counseling or therapy if these feelings persist. A professional can help you identify and address any underlying issues, provide guidance on techniques to enhance pleasure, and help you reconnect with the enjoyment of intimacy. By taking these steps, you can move toward a more fulfilling and balanced sexual experience that satisfies both you and your partner.

[deigo123]

I can totally relate to what you're saying. When I started focusing on controlling premature ejaculation, I thought it would revolutionize my sex life. In a way, it did—but not how I expected. Like you, I began to feel like sex became more about "doing it right" than actually enjoying the experience. I was so wrapped up in the techniques—breathing, pacing, and mental exercises—that I lost the raw, emotional connection I used to have with my partners.

One thing that helped me was stepping back and reassessing my mindset. Instead of seeing sex as something I had to "excel at," I tried to make it more playful and fun. For example, I started experimenting with more extended foreplay and non-penetrative activities to build intimacy. It took the pressure off and reminded me that there’s so much more to sex than the mechanics of intercourse.

I also realized that my partners picked up on my stress. Even if I didn’t say anything, they could feel that I was hyper-focused on performing rather than being present with them. That emotional distance affected both of us. Once I opened up about how I was feeling, it actually made things a lot better. They appreciated my honesty, and together, we found ways to make our time together more exciting and enjoyable.

Ultimately, I think it’s about finding balance. The techniques are great for control, but don’t let them overshadow the passion and connection. If you can integrate the two, you might rediscover the fun and spontaneity that made sex thrilling in the first place.

[amravat123]

really hit home for me. I used to think that lasting longer in bed would automatically make sex better. But when I got to that point, I found myself wondering why it still felt empty. It was like I had solved one problem only to uncover a whole new set of issues. The pleasure seemed fleeting, and I started dreading the process because it felt more like a task than an intimate experience.

One thing that helped me was redefining what "pleasure" meant. I used to think it was all about the orgasm, but now I try to focus on the sensations, the connection with my partner, and the journey itself. Sometimes, just lying in bed with someone, kissing, and exploring their body can be more fulfilling than the main event. It sounds simple, but shifting my perspective made a huge difference.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that overthinking kills the mood. When I stopped treating sex like a performance, I started to relax and enjoy it more. I’d remind myself that I didn’t have to be perfect or follow some unwritten rulebook about what makes sex great. Everyone’s preferences are different, and the most important thing is to focus on what feels good for you and your partner.

Lastly, don’t hesitate to seek help if you feel stuck. A sex therapist can offer insights that you might not think of on your own. I went to one for a few sessions, and it really helped me get out of my own head and approach intimacy in a healthier, more fulfilling way.

[hanar123]

I think one aspect that often gets overlooked is the emotional connection during sex. For a long time, I thought I was doing everything right—techniques, stamina, even trying to satisfy my partner in creative ways—but something still felt missing. It wasn’t until I started prioritizing the emotional side of things that sex became enjoyable again.

For me, this meant being more vulnerable and communicative with my partner. Instead of trying to "perform," I started asking her what she enjoyed, how she felt, and what we could do to make the experience better for both of us. To my surprise, those conversations brought us closer together and made sex feel more natural and connected.

I also learned that intimacy doesn’t always have to lead to intercourse. Sometimes just spending time touching, talking, or sharing fantasies can be just as satisfying. It takes the pressure off and reminds you that sex is about more than just physical pleasure—it’s about bonding and feeling close to someone.

So if you’re feeling disconnected or bored, maybe the answer isn’t to try harder or learn more techniques. Maybe it’s about slowing down, being present, and focusing on the relationship you have with your partner—whether it’s a one-night stand or something deeper.

[piciossa]

I hear you, man. It’s tough when something that’s supposed to be enjoyable starts to feel like a chore. I went through a similar phase, and what helped me was breaking out of the routine. It’s easy to fall into patterns where sex becomes predictable, and predictability can kill the excitement.

One thing I tried was introducing new elements into the bedroom. It could be anything—trying a different setting, role-playing, toys, or even changing the pace of the encounter. For me, novelty was a game-changer. It reignited that sense of curiosity and adventure that made sex exciting in the first place.

Another thing that helped was focusing on non-sexual intimacy with my partner. Sometimes just spending time together, laughing, and being close can create a stronger connection that carries over into the bedroom. It’s amazing how much more enjoyable sex can be when you feel genuinely connected outside of it.

Lastly, don’t forget to check in with yourself. Sometimes the issue isn’t sex—it’s stress, burnout, or something else going on in your life. When I started addressing those underlying issues, I found that my overall enjoyment of sex improved naturally.

[antonio123]

I was in a similar spot. I remember feeling like I was on autopilot—going through the motions but not really enjoying any of it. It wasn’t until I took a step back and asked myself, "What do I actually want out of this experience?" that things started to change.

For me, the answer was simple: I wanted sex to be fun again. I stopped worrying about techniques and started focusing on the little things that made me and my partner laugh or smile during the act. Whether it was a playful comment, a funny mistake, or just being silly, those moments reminded me why sex was so enjoyable in the first place.

Another thing that worked for me was shifting the focus from intercourse to foreplay. I started seeing foreplay as the main event rather than just a warm-up. It gave me and my partner more time to connect, explore, and enjoy each other without the pressure of "performing."

At the end of the day, I think the key is to stop overthinking it. Sex isn’t supposed to be perfect—it’s supposed to be messy, fun, and full of surprises. When you let go of the need to control everything, you might find that the enjoyment naturally comes back.