Different Levels Of Want

[ban908463]

so I have been in the relationship I am in now for about five years now. Like any relationship it has it's ups and it's downs. After such a long time we have grown closer "of course" and continue to move forward with the relationship at a good pace. The odd thing that I am finding after five years is that we always argue "not fight" over the same things. Work, Money, and sex which I find to be sort of strange in it's own right. Work really is something that comes up because well I am the only one working. Money is really under my control but I still hold a great deal of debt "from previous engagements" that I will probably never get out of until she gets a job. This all brings me to the topic of sex! Now living with someone who doesn't work, makes no income, and has a very low sex drive is difficult. I have dealt with it in my own way in that I meditate, try to keep to my own hobbies, and generally do what I can to accept that even after being pretty much the dominate in this relationship. That the one field of sex is always going to be the one thing I will never have control over.

So here in all that I question what is a guy like me supposed to do? If I have wants and most of them if not 95% of them are being meet but that stupid 5% "sex" isn't happening the way I want it too. What is a good way to go around it? Keep in mind I am a loyal guy and would never cheat. I have a very strict moral code also to always tell the truth so really that isn't a good answer. Thanks!

[hanar123]

I’ve been in your shoes before, and let me tell you, it’s not easy. Being in a relationship where most of your needs are met except for one big one—sex—can leave you feeling stuck. You’re trying to be loyal, supportive, and understanding, but that one missing piece eats at you over time. It’s not just about the physical aspect—it’s about feeling wanted and connected.

What worked for me was shifting my mindset from focusing on what I wasn’t getting to what I could control. You mentioned you meditate and keep to your hobbies, which is great. Maybe it’s time to double down on those or even explore new interests that excite you. Building up your own sense of fulfillment can help balance out the frustration you’re feeling.

That said, it’s important to make sure your partner knows how much this matters to you. Sometimes, when things aren’t a priority for someone else, they don’t realize the weight it carries for you. You don’t have to pressure her, but you can express how much intimacy contributes to your sense of connection and happiness in the relationship. Sometimes, just understanding where you’re coming from can inspire a partner to make an effort.

Ultimately, though, it’s about finding peace within yourself. You’re clearly a loyal, committed guy, and that’s admirable. But don’t forget that your happiness matters too. If the relationship isn’t meeting your core needs, it’s worth asking yourself some tough questions about what you’re willing to accept long-term.

[amravat123]

I get where you’re coming from. Being in a long-term relationship can be tough, especially when you feel like there’s this one area—sex—that just never gets resolved. It’s frustrating when everything else is working, but that 5% becomes a constant source of dissatisfaction. It can feel like an itch you just can’t scratch.

One thing that’s helped me in a similar situation is having an honest and open conversation with my partner about what’s missing for me. It’s not an easy talk to have, but if you approach it from a place of understanding rather than blame, it can make a difference. For example, you could say something like, “I love you and everything we’ve built together, but I feel like we could work together to improve our physical intimacy.” Framing it as a team effort might make her more open to listening.

Also, try to dig deeper into why her sex drive might be so low. Sometimes it’s related to stress, body image, or even health issues. If she’s not working and there’s financial pressure, she might feel unmotivated in more ways than one. Encouraging her to get involved in something she’s passionate about—whether it’s work, hobbies, or fitness—might help her feel more confident and energized, which could spill over into the bedroom.

At the end of the day, though, it’s about finding a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe that means exploring new ways to connect intimately that don’t feel like a chore for her but still fulfill some of your needs. Don’t let resentment build up—address it head-on before it starts affecting other parts of your relationship.

[deigo123]

I completely understand where you’re coming from, and it’s a tough spot to be in. You love your partner, you’re committed to her, but this one aspect of your relationship leaves you feeling unfulfilled. The fact that you’re willing to talk about it and not resort to cheating says a lot about your character.

Have you ever considered exploring ways to meet your sexual needs that don’t rely entirely on her participation? For example, some couples use things like mutual masturbation, toys, or even watching adult content together as a way to bridge the gap when one partner has a lower sex drive. It’s not a perfect solution, but it can be a way to maintain intimacy without putting too much pressure on her.

Another option could be to suggest counseling—either individually or as a couple. Sometimes there are deeper issues that neither of you might fully understand until a professional helps unpack them. A therapist could also give you tools to navigate this without feeling like you’re walking on eggshells or suppressing your desires.

At the same time, remember to be realistic about your expectations. Relationships are never perfect, and there will always be compromises. The question is whether this particular compromise is something you can live with while still feeling happy and fulfilled. If not, it’s better to address it now than to let it fester.

[antonio123]

I think a lot of guys in long-term relationships can relate to what you’re saying. Over time, it’s easy for the passion to fade, especially when other stressors like work and money come into play. Add a mismatched sex drive to the mix, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling frustrated.

One thing that helped me in a similar situation was actively working to reignite the spark in our relationship. Sometimes the routine of daily life makes intimacy feel like just another task on the to-do list. Planning special date nights, surprising her with small gestures, or even taking a weekend getaway together can help break the monotony and bring back some excitement.

It’s also worth considering whether she feels emotionally connected to you right now. For a lot of women, emotional intimacy plays a huge role in their desire for physical intimacy. If she’s stressed about money or feels like there’s an imbalance in the relationship, it could be affecting her libido. Talking openly about her feelings and finding ways to share the load might help her feel closer to you.

Lastly, try introducing fun or playful elements into your sex life. It could be as simple as trying something new in the bedroom or even just being more spontaneous. When sex feels less like an obligation and more like an adventure, it can help both partners feel more engaged and excited.

[piciossa]

You’ve got to give yourself credit for sticking it out and being so loyal to your partner. That takes a lot of strength, especially when one of your core needs isn’t being met. But if I’m being honest, it sounds like there’s a fundamental compatibility issue here that you might need to address.

Sexual compatibility is a big deal in any relationship. It’s not just about the act itself—it’s about feeling desired and connected. If your partner’s low sex drive is a long-term issue and she doesn’t see it as a problem, you’re going to have to decide whether you can accept that. Sometimes love and loyalty aren’t enough if the relationship is leaving you feeling unfulfilled.

That doesn’t mean you have to give up, though. There are ways to work on this together, like counseling or even reading books about intimacy as a couple. But it only works if both people are willing to make an effort. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, that’s a red flag you can’t ignore.

At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself if this relationship is giving you what you need to be happy. You deserve to feel fulfilled in every aspect of your life, and while compromise is important, it shouldn’t come at the cost of your own well-being. It’s a tough conversation to have, but it’s one worth having—for both your sake and hers.