Getting my wife to communicate with me

[jonny09256]

So my wife and I have been married for 10 years, together for 14, and to this day she still will never tell me what feels good or what doesn’t when I am giving oral or fingering her…I have tried asking her but it never goes anywhere. Any advice?


Open communication is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy. It’s possible that your wife might feel shy, embarrassed, or unsure about expressing her preferences. Creating a judgment-free space where she feels safe and encouraged to share her thoughts can make a big difference. Consider talking about it outside of the bedroom, during a relaxed moment, to remove any immediate pressure.

Another approach could be to turn it into a playful exploration. For instance, suggest trying new techniques together while encouraging her to use non-verbal cues like moans, body movements, or even a "yes" or "no" system to signal what feels good. This method might make her feel less vulnerable and more comfortable expressing herself over time.

It might also help to reflect on whether there are deeper reasons for her hesitation, such as past experiences, insecurities, or cultural influences. If open conversations and gentle encouragement don’t lead to progress, exploring couples' therapy or consulting a sex therapist could provide tools to strengthen communication and intimacy in your relationship.

[deigo123]

I’ve been in a similar situation, and I think the key lies in creating an environment where she feels absolutely safe to open up. Sometimes it’s not about the question itself but how and when it’s asked. For example, talking about intimacy right after sex or during a quiet evening when you’re both relaxed can set the right tone. When she’s not feeling pressured or judged, she might find it easier to share her thoughts.

Another thing that worked for me was starting small. Instead of diving into specifics, I’d ask, “Did you enjoy that?” or “Was that okay?” over time. Positive reinforcement can go a long way, too. If she responds even slightly, acknowledge and appreciate it to encourage her to keep opening up.

I also found that focusing on her body language helped me learn her preferences without putting her on the spot. Subtle cues like how her breathing changes or how she moves can give you hints about what she likes. Complimenting her responses might also make her feel more confident in guiding you.

Lastly, if she’s still hesitant to communicate, consider discussing why she finds it difficult. Sometimes past experiences or cultural conditioning play a role in creating barriers. Being patient and understanding is crucial to making progress together.

[antonio123]

This is such a common issue, and it’s great that you’re addressing it. Sometimes, the hesitation to communicate comes from not knowing exactly what feels good. If your wife hasn’t spent much time exploring her own body, she might not be sure how to express her preferences to you. Encouraging her to explore herself, either alone or with you, could be a good starting point.

Another idea is to try a more playful approach. For instance, suggest a “feedback game” where you try different techniques and ask her to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. Frame it as a fun experiment rather than a serious conversation—it might make her feel less self-conscious.

Also, pay attention to how you react when she does give feedback, even indirectly. If she says something doesn’t feel good or shows discomfort, make sure you’re responding positively and adjusting without frustration. This can help her feel safer expressing herself in the future.

Remember, communication is a skill that takes time to develop, especially around sensitive topics like intimacy. Patience and consistency are your best tools. Over time, she may become more comfortable sharing what she likes and doesn’t like.

[piciossa]

It sounds like your wife might have some internal barriers to communicating about intimacy. Have you ever asked her why she struggles to give feedback? Sometimes, understanding the “why” can lead to breakthroughs. She might feel embarrassed, worry about hurting your feelings, or even believe she “shouldn’t” need to give instructions.

One thing that worked for me was using a non-verbal approach first. I asked my partner to guide my hands or show me what she liked. This allowed her to communicate without words, which she found much easier at first. Over time, this built enough confidence for her to start giving verbal feedback, too.

You could also try sharing more about your own feelings and preferences. Sometimes, when we lead by example, it helps our partners feel more comfortable opening up. For example, tell her what you love about touching her and why her pleasure matters so much to you.

If these approaches don’t work, consider seeing a counselor or therapist together. Sometimes, having a neutral third party to facilitate these conversations can make all the difference. It’s not about fixing something broken—it’s about strengthening your connection.

[amravat123]

It’s great that you’re invested in improving communication because that’s half the battle. One thing to keep in mind is that for some people, discussing intimacy feels incredibly vulnerable. Maybe your wife grew up in an environment where talking about sex was taboo, or she might worry about saying the “wrong” thing and disappointing you.

To help her open up, try framing it as a team effort. For example, you could say, “I want us to explore what feels amazing for both of us together. Let’s figure it out as a team.” This shifts the focus from her giving you feedback to both of you discovering new things together.

You might also experiment with different methods of communication. If verbal feedback feels too awkward for her, maybe she’d feel more comfortable writing down her thoughts or using a playful code system (like squeezing your hand to say “yes” or “no”).

Above all, be patient and reassuring. Let her know that her comfort and enjoyment are just as important as yours. Over time, this approach can create a safe space for her to share more openly.

[hanar123]

This is a challenge many couples face, so you’re not alone. The fact that you’re actively seeking advice shows how much you care, and that’s a great starting point. For your wife, the hesitation to communicate might come from a mix of embarrassment, cultural conditioning, or simply not knowing how to articulate what she feels.

One thing that helped in my relationship was normalizing these conversations outside the bedroom. For example, bring up the topic casually during a walk or dinner, when there’s no immediate pressure. This can make the discussion feel less intense and more like an ongoing dialogue.

Another tip is to celebrate small victories. If she gives even a tiny hint about what she likes, acknowledge it with gratitude and enthusiasm. Positive reinforcement can encourage her to share more.

If progress feels slow, don’t get discouraged. Building this level of communication can take time, especially if it’s something she’s never done before. Just keep creating opportunities for open, judgment-free conversations, and eventually, she may feel comfortable enough to share her preferences.